Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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