I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
