it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
