Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
