i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
