im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
