You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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