dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Farmville is her only friend.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
