my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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