apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
