You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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