Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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