its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
