i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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