What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
