I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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