Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Banned from zoo.
Again?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
