i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We got so high we made milksteak
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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