the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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