I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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