not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
