mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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