Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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