She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
