Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
