i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
