DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
