Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
