It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
