It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
