I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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