Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
