So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
