We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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