Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
