Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
