I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
