Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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