I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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