can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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