Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
