The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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