I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
