if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
