do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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