You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
