She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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