I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did you pee in the oven last night??
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
