Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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