i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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