That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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