Who wears a wallet chain?!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
