i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
