Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
