What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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